Sunday, December 27, 2015

Written at the dark room

Hi readers.

Yeah, I know I'm lost for a long time. I'm running away to seek for the light I've never seen. If you see me right now, I might change a little bit of myself. I don't like myself before who is struggling for nothing. just wish from the deep of heart without taking any action to make it realize.

I'm different. totally different though there is some of my weaknesses I can't move away.

I'm turning to 25 sooner and yet I'm still at the first page of my life. maybe I'm on second page since I'm a working person now but the past still follow my journey.


4 letters which haunted me well in my life progress to became an adult. Yeah, I'm a little bit scared because of my friends are now become queen in someone king's heart. to see hows they so much happy to get married early, seems nothing would happen in future. Is it married can guarantee us that love will always be there when we need it the most? or it just need to prevent us from doing bad to our partner. this is not what I want.

I'm not too much desperate to get some kind of lovey-dovey things but the love I want should derived from both side's heart. Responsibility should be at the first stage. I don't know how to explain in words or in writing, but if I want to get married soon, none of my family's money be used for my wedding ceremony. NO. I'm not allowed. maybe that's why certain man I meet said I'm too much independent. I'm too much putting my self on something I'm  not capable to do so.

No. you not put your feet on my shoes so, you will never know.

One day, if the person come, I will tell him, I met a lot of people before you. they taught me how to love and be loved. they taught me how to loath and feeling missing and they taught me everything colors of feelings before I met you.

Its funny to think that now, I imagine how will you looks alike. I better off now. gonna see you in DreamLand dear. :)


Monday, April 6, 2015

Mon Day

It's Monday but I'm playing around and pretend it's Sunday.


Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Rain Story

I love rain so much. I don't know why but each time when raining comes, it really soothe me. I love to let the raindrop fall into my hands. It seems like, peace. Yeah, peaceful. I love to be alone wherever its rainy day. Maybe because I'm getting too emotional or its like kinda weird-girl to do.

There's so much beauty in rain.

Yeah, there's a lot and you can't count. It just need to be feel.

Patrichor. Perhaps, do you know about it? It is the smells of the rain. My friends said its actually the smells of the first rain fall into the earth. Maybe it was  but the smells really change you into something. It makes you more grateful. Don't you? As the rain wash the dry land and then sink into the soil, woww, its really refreshing.

I don't know how to describe more about rain because its something that cannot be tell but need to be experience by your own self.

Actually, I'm getting my fasting for today so I'm got alone at office while all my friends out for having their lunch. That's why I can lay down my hand here smoothly.(smile). I really hope rain will come this week because Sabah right now it seems like a desert place and open burning happened everywhere. I try to avoid myself from smokers but unfortunately I smell the terrible smoke around Kota Kinabalu. Seriously, I can't breathe and this is bad.

But, this is life, right? We have to use to it no matter what happen because the earth getting old and old and me as well.


Okay, its time for me to leave. We will have another story sooner and please pray for rain to come.

Friday, March 27, 2015


I did this for several times wherever I feel so down. Its surely help me under calm. But this few days, I feel so lousy as I can't do it again. Maybe the feeling was not there. Maybe I still feel the stress thinking about my life in future. But I really want to do this. Put my hand on the sky and looking at the light of the sun. I really miss that. really.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friday's Pray

Dear Rabb,

Please take care of dia for me.
I just can pray for dia safety.
Ease everything for what dia do.
and please always put dia in safe.

I'm begging you ya Rabb.
dia is my world.
dia is one of my soul.
dia is my only one.
and dia is my mom.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Auditory Hallucination - Jang Jae In

There are so many hidden things inside of me
It made me change so much
It put me to sleep, it tied my hands and feet
It trapped me in a dark room
The pieces of lost time
The memories of love that I threw away
They have been deleted and thrown away
Only the outer shells remain
Without knowing anything, I just shouted
I just have that memory
My heart that was cold as ice
It will be forgotten after I sleep
I want to escape from this pain that chains me down
Someone wake me up
From my soul that is filled with scars

The deeply colored night sky
Is filled with you, who won’t leave
It wakes me from my sleep
Kissing me again

Your voice that whispered I love you
Your scent, I hear it in my ears every day
Where are you?

You’re hidden in a place where I can’t see you
The pain you received for me
When my anger becomes one
I’ll chase the lost memories from the deep sleep
I want to find the real me that is not you
But the bruises in my heart are too big
I try hiding it but they hide in my heart and wake me up
I met you on the other side of my horrible memories
You embraced even my lost feelings
Helping me get up from being broken
I’m trying not to let go of your hands
I’m trying to erase the nightmares
I’m trying so hard
In this place where I trapped myself

I want to roll up the darkness
And find you
Though I can’t touch you
Or be held by you

What controls me
Isn’t what lives in me
What can heal me isn’t strong medicine
It’s just love
The voice I hear in my ears
Wakes me up from being lost
After it wraps around me and kisses me
It disappears and I can’t see it anymore

The deeply colored night sky
Is filled with you, who won’t leave
It wakes me from my sleep
Kissing me again

Your voice that whispered I love you
Your scent, I hear it in my ears every day
Where are you?

In the night sky that I can’t touch
I see you turning back
Making me escape from the exhausted days
Making it into a picture

I’m sorry, I say as I hold onto you
Don’t go far away, I call out to you
In the sadness that I can’t ever see again
Tears fall again

p.s I really love this story. I really fall in love with that man. oh
dear.  my heart start beating fast whenever I hear that song. oppaa.
This is crazy. Vian is going to crazy.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Wednedsay's Wishful


At this moment I really wish;

- I'm in my home alone
- Its raining outside
- Sit while watching the view of world through the vintage window
- Listen to Ed Sheraan song, Thinking out loud
- Dressing well like a Cinderella
- Drink a cup of hot chocolate
- Play with my Nikon

Oh dear, I really wish for that now. But here I am in office do the non stop tasks and getting my menstrual cramp. sigh.

Monday, March 16, 2015


I'm waiting for some inspiration to sink in my soul before updating my blog but unfortunately, it seems wouldn't come.

And I just want to wish, Happy Monday people.