Loathe

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person struggle hardly to achieve something better in future. something that can be proud of. something that used to show others that I'm capable to do something.

something. something. something. somewhere.

Yup, I'm heading for Terrified Future. no, I should say Amazing Future. Now, that might sound exciting but, deep in the heart, I'm so scared. really. How would it be? there's so many questions swinging in my head. all are playing and laughing at me who has not start anything yet.

The days crawl so fast.

19, 20, 21, 22, 23.. am I still able to do something?

I should be brave. I should dare to leave. I should able to live alone. I'd done it once and I can make it again. Let the tears be friend, let the praying accompany the night and wash the souls, let the silent night be the peaceful place for me to stay calm. let it be. let it all.

I don't know why I'm still linger around here. perhaps, it is because my family?

Oh dear,
I'm weak. I'm hopeless. I'm lousy.

Am I completely useless? why when we need to hold the sky, we need to let other hands down? why? why?

I loathe you. I loathe you Self.

Ridiculous

Heart flutter?

This is ridiculous. 

Dearly

Dear future,

I'm scared.

It's horrible to think how would be my life in ahead

Ya Rabb,

I'm sorry.

really .

Crazy heart

Dear heart,

Why suddenly you remember about him?
Did he do something could break your heart again?
Why heart? Why?

Its been a year he left you behind
There's so many memories you have without him near side
He ever become your nightmare
But now you able to control yourself and even you able to control your dream at the night too when he haunted you

But why today you really miss him?
Read that words of farewell again and again and again
Words saying goodbye and really broken the heart
Why heart? Why you read that?

Stupid me.
Yup he still have a place in my heart
Even in a tiny place but could influence all parts of my body
This is terrible
Seriously.

People said time heals everything
I think one year is still not enough
I'm still waiting

I think I'm going crazy

Useless

Useless.
Yup, that is the word for today.
Who is useless?
Me.
That's right.

How useless I am when I still can't stand by my own self.
Useless thinking me who still cannot afford to leave alone
And I'm terribly useless thinking about myself who still not able contribute something in my life.

Oh dear..

Dear self,
Listen.
Please..
Do not forget that they are getting old
Do not forget you born not to live alone
And do not forget you need to realize other dreams rather than yours

Your dreams caring other needs right?
Then fulfill them all.

Wake up Vian.
Wake up.
Forgot all about looking for love
That's not your business
Thats Allah's plan
Just wait for it

By the way, I'm even not looking for it

Now,
Your mission is
Make them feel there's something in this life can be appreciate
Something they never regret.

Love them when they still exist
Love them even they gone
And love them till Jannah

They are one.
My family.
Thats right
NananGina's family.

Tired

I'm tired to chase on what the world wants.
It makes me abnormal.