Thursday, April 12, 2018

Keep Faith

Hi readers,

Today, I start posting with the smirk face after I saw I just have 1 entry for this year so far. haha. It has been quiet a long time I'm not here.

I'm busy with my stress life. I'm busy how to handle my messy and no-guide life. I'm busy looking at others life. I'm busy throwing my life into others life. and I'm busy with this life.

I'm busy and I'm tired.

Now, there's nobody here. They were here actually, but still there's no nobody. 

This year, perhaps, taught me a lot. alot. I become someone I don't want to be. I become someone who show a lot of self-weakness. oh self, you disappointed yourself.

Rest of the story, let it being keep at the other of my world

What makes me feel g-r-e-a-t about this year, I got my driving license. I know maybe some of you said, what the hell she try to expose about, everyone surely have one. but it's definitely special to me those who fail the test for four times. f-o-u-r times. empat kali.

Yes, I failed the test for four times. I cried every week because I took the test every weekend in a month. four times in a month. I cried a lot thinking I'm stupid enough being nervous like hell. I cried thinking how miserable my life fail for simple test. (sigh)

The feeling of failure is something like new to me and I can't accept it except crying over it. 

bodoh vian. bebal betul. I kept saying this to myself.

I think I know the feeling of almost give up on everything. you become weak. to make it in a simple word, you become lembik. hati pun lembik. that time you just feel like you just want lying on the bed and sleep. stop thinking about the bad day. sangat lembik. hancur. luluh. pedih. sandik punya perasaan. the tears drop fast like I just get divorce. omaigeee everything bad was happen to me and most of all I'm afraid of fail again. So I gave up. 

I gave up and contact my cikgu on how to make what we call as Lesen Terbang and I will take risk of that. After a while, after having deep conversation on how to do that such illegal thing, Allah make me meet with three lovely girls which I thought they just a-seconds friend of mine. They were strangers but I saw determination on them although dorang lulus awal than me. ngeee. 

The first person, she was failed for six times and saying to me, "If I can do it, then why you can't?

Second girl, She was a lovely girl which had tudung labuh than me. she is a soft spoken person and so manis. she said to me, "InsyaAllah, ada hikmah, ada sebab. selawat." and I do the selawat in every second during my test.

Finally, third girl, she is a chinese girl who had a tattoo but she was definitely a nice girl to meet. both of us was finally passed after both of us try for four times. haha. she inspires me to go outside and travel as much as I can as she sharing with me her experience travel half of the Eu-country and the middle east too and one of it was Istanbul. I really want to put my foot over there. its okay, one-fine-day.

Its good to see whenever you can't even motivate yourself, He give your strangers so that you can watch and learn and feel what their feeling too. I cried so many times and even questioned Him; why me? but He never let my guard down. He makes me meet unknown people to make me understand everyone has their own test. so just face your own. You will not stick with one problem for the rest of your life as long as you have courage to face it.

Syukran. There's no more words to explain my gratitude to Him.
Aku malu, aku persoalkan ujian Dia.

I feel so ashamed and I even not dare asking for something instead of forgiveness.

Overall, everything happens to me, I know He makes me to create memories which I have to learn from it and use it in ahead as a lesson. Keep faith and that was I suppose to do.

Keep faith on Him and surely He will open a new door for you.
Believe that.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Another short laying

Again, another long time not putting myself here. I was trapped by the work task swamp and I really need a very long alone-day. This time, another 5 minutes left for break and just a short entry for short time break.

Gonna meet again for long writing :)

Monday, December 5, 2016

Short laying

Hi there.

Wow, its been a long time I'm not stay here and now the end of 2016 almost reach the time. So, what I have achieve for this year? Perhaps some encouragement to do something which I never knew I would do it. Maybe I will write about it next time.

So, goona see you sooner bloggerslovely :)

Friday, September 2, 2016

Whisper My Name

Aint it strange
How life can be sometimes
How we all need to love
Aint it strange
How I could see is a threat
When you could be above

Some girls want to go out shopping
Some girls want to talk all night
Some girls want some fun and laughter
That's quite ok but im no typical girl

Now I can't tell you how to love me
It's the lesson you have to learn yourself
As the matter of fact it's an easy thing to do
Just be you

Now I wont show you how to treat me
But you wont find it hard to do the same

Just with warm and tender
And whisper my name...

Late at night when the day has come and done
And we lying a lot
That's the time it let our feelings sour
And no talk, conversation anymore

At this time would you just with warm and tender and whisper my name, September?

Thursday, June 16, 2016


I like someone to tell me about all things that makes their life sorrow.
Their story give me a lot of lessons as well.

Having a story-telling and crying together while listening to their heart,
show me that I'm not the only one having a load burden alone.

But the most important thing here when they tell me about of these sort of thing is..

Its not the because of the name of friendship
but its the matter of trust.

Thanks for trust me, friend
Thanks for sharing your painful with me.
Maybe I can't do anything, but accompany you is the best thing I can do.
I have my shoulder for you to cry.
and I have hand to hold yours.
Just call my name and I'll be there for you.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Written at the dark room

Hi readers.

Yeah, I know I'm lost for a long time. I'm running away to seek for the light I've never seen. If you see me right now, I might change a little bit of myself. I don't like myself before who is struggling for nothing. just wish from the deep of heart without taking any action to make it realize.

I'm different. totally different though there is some of my weaknesses I can't move away.

I'm turning to 25 sooner and yet I'm still at the first page of my life. maybe I'm on second page since I'm a working person now but the past still follow my journey.


4 letters which haunted me well in my life progress to became an adult. Yeah, I'm a little bit scared because of my friends are now become queen in someone king's heart. to see hows they so much happy to get married early, seems nothing would happen in future. Is it married can guarantee us that love will always be there when we need it the most? or it just need to prevent us from doing bad to our partner. this is not what I want.

I'm not too much desperate to get some kind of lovey-dovey things but the love I want should derived from both side's heart. Responsibility should be at the first stage. I don't know how to explain in words or in writing, but if I want to get married soon, none of my family's money be used for my wedding ceremony. NO. I'm not allowed. maybe that's why certain man I meet said I'm too much independent. I'm too much putting my self on something I'm  not capable to do so.

No. you not put your feet on my shoes so, you will never know.

One day, if the person come, I will tell him, I met a lot of people before you. they taught me how to love and be loved. they taught me how to loath and feeling missing and they taught me everything colors of feelings before I met you.

Its funny to think that now, I imagine how will you looks alike. I better off now. gonna see you in DreamLand dear. :)


Monday, April 6, 2015

Mon Day

It's Monday but I'm playing around and pretend it's Sunday.


Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Rain Story

I love rain so much. I don't know why but each time when raining comes, it really soothe me. I love to let the raindrop fall into my hands. It seems like, peace. Yeah, peaceful. I love to be alone wherever its rainy day. Maybe because I'm getting too emotional or its like kinda weird-girl to do.

There's so much beauty in rain.

Yeah, there's a lot and you can't count. It just need to be feel.

Patrichor. Perhaps, do you know about it? It is the smells of the rain. My friends said its actually the smells of the first rain fall into the earth. Maybe it was  but the smells really change you into something. It makes you more grateful. Don't you? As the rain wash the dry land and then sink into the soil, woww, its really refreshing.

I don't know how to describe more about rain because its something that cannot be tell but need to be experience by your own self.

Actually, I'm getting my fasting for today so I'm got alone at office while all my friends out for having their lunch. That's why I can lay down my hand here smoothly.(smile). I really hope rain will come this week because Sabah right now it seems like a desert place and open burning happened everywhere. I try to avoid myself from smokers but unfortunately I smell the terrible smoke around Kota Kinabalu. Seriously, I can't breathe and this is bad.

But, this is life, right? We have to use to it no matter what happen because the earth getting old and old and me as well.


Okay, its time for me to leave. We will have another story sooner and please pray for rain to come.

Friday, March 27, 2015


I did this for several times wherever I feel so down. Its surely help me under calm. But this few days, I feel so lousy as I can't do it again. Maybe the feeling was not there. Maybe I still feel the stress thinking about my life in future. But I really want to do this. Put my hand on the sky and looking at the light of the sun. I really miss that. really.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friday's Pray

Dear Rabb,

Please take care of dia for me.
I just can pray for dia safety.
Ease everything for what dia do.
and please always put dia in safe.

I'm begging you ya Rabb.
dia is my world.
dia is one of my soul.
dia is my only one.
and dia is my mom.