Terima kasih untuk Tuhan

Hi Tuhan,

Aku mulakan dengan ucapan terima kasih ya.

terima kasih atas apa yang telah berlaku.

terima kasih beri aku rasa ini.

terima kasih juga sebab sudah jawab doa-doa ku.

Lama kelamaan aku baru sedar,

ujian yang aku dapat ialah sebenarnya yang aku doa itu

ibarat aku minta balang untuk simpan tebu, 

tapi Kau ambil tebu itu 

dan selepas beberapa bulan lamanya

hambaMu ini baru sedar, rupanya Engkau gantikan gula

Maaf, aku yang terlalu lembab untuk menyedarinya

Ya Allah,

aku sudah cukup keterlaluan kan?

tidak bersyukur, mengabaikanMu, malah memperingankan suruhanMu

benda yang aku doa berkali-kali aku tidak usahakan

doa itu cuma dibibir tapi dihati tidak

aku sedar tapi aku tutup mata

aku sedar tapi aku buat endah

aku betul-betul keterlaluan kan Tuhan?

Peristiwa Ramadhan tahun itu cukup menempelak

balang yang aku jaga, pecah

balang yang aku fikir selamanya didapur, berkecai

berkecai dalam sehari

tiada kata, tiada amaran, tiada tanda

sekelip mata

Aku tidak akan lupa keadaan aku datang kepadaMu

dengan tanganku menggeletar, dengan mataku membengkak, dengan jiwaku yang berantakan

kau sambut aku Tuhan

kau sambut aku biarkan aku yang menjauh

kau sambut aku dalam keadaan aku berdarah tidak kelihatan

Kau buat aku berzikir

Kau bantu aku buat benda yang aku jarang sekali buat 

Quran di pagi dan malam, kudrat bangun sepertiga malam, ringan tulang ganti solat

Kau ajarkan aku doa

Kau nampakkan aku kata-kata yang berbekas dijiwa

Kau jumpakan aku pembaca Quran yang sedap kedengaran

Kau buatkan aku berniat di Awal Muharram

Kau berikan aku benda yang aku hilang selama ini; tenang

Oh Tuhan,

sukar untuk aku luahkan sini betapa syukurnya aku

syukurnya aku kerana Engkau ada

iya syukurnya aku kerana Engkau ada

Tuhan, aku adalagi doa ya Tuhan

aku tunggu hingga Kau perkenankan

sekiranya tidak, itu ialah pilihan Engkau

dan pilihan Engkau adalah terbaik untuk hambaMu

sebab Engkau Maha Tahu

terima kasih sangat-sangat lemon lemon juta kali

aku mampu mengharungi ini kerana Engkau

Engkau yang memberi rasa, dan Engkau juga mampu menariknya kembali

sepertimana Engkau beri dan ambil jasad dibumi ini

terima kasih

atas mimpi yang kelmarin-kelmarin

itu bukti aku tidak layak untuk dia, dan dia tidak layak untuk aku

terima kasih doa yang Engkau ajarkan.

terima kasih untuk semua

terima kasih untuk jasad ini

akan aku jaga untuk cerita seterusnya

tapi, jaga aku ya, Ya Allah

iman ku masi sekukuh ranting

Kau tengok-tengok imanku ya

kau tengok-tengok kan imanku

lagi, aku ucap terima kasih

terima kasih Allah

terima kasih.

31 Ogos 2021 9:03 pm

dibilik yang sejuk lagi tenang 

To those who tired

 

Hi readers.

Hi future me.

as actually you are the only reader in here.

Let me tell you what you feel today. Its 26th of May 2021 and its holiday. im writing this entry while being comfort by the lil-windy from the stand fan and infront of me the almost-die-trees and seeing the birds spread their love to each other. im jealous. 

you see, it has been a month since im having my heartbroken life. i dont know how to start it but i'd lost someone which i thought that we might have future together (take a deep breathe). being in relationship at this age of 30s, we tend more to protect & secure it, but never thought we are still childish in making decision. 

Heartbroken is real. after so many years i felt it again. but this time, i tell myself, you'd pass this before, then you can pass this too. the difference only was lie on your mental strength and feeling-control ability. 

(take a deep breathe again) you see, i'm tired.

i'm tired of this relationship. its not easy to gather back the strength, the trust, the caring, the love. i'm tired. and i'm afraid. its like you take you things back and walking with the body full of hurt. your hand, your leg, all seems weak but still you need to pickup and clean everything. crying became your friend. 

i blocked him in every media. its not because i hate him but i want to rescue myself from being stalker. seeing him online was make me happy but sometimes makes me wonder with a lot of thinking. "to who he chatting?", "does he happy now?", "are he with a girl?". im become paranoid. thats why, i blocked him to rescue and stop from hurting myself. you should do that girl. sometimes run does not show that you are coward. sometimes it show you are too brave enough to move on. that was the first step. you see the exit door, you open it and close it without looking back.

after all this time, i become more sensitive to small things. rather than feeling grief, im become more appreciate every little-tiny-mini things that i get and i saw. even the trees outside, the almost die tree after being cut down, i feel its like a blessing. at first, i feel so sad look at the trees dying. it was my routine to watch it every morning. seeing it gently slowly move by the wind, the sound of wind cracking the tiles of leaves, makes me feels calm everytime i saw it. but why i said cutting it down is a blessing? because after the trees being down, i saw the big-blue-sky and the weirdo-style-cotton cloud up there. im so mesmerize. they being hidden by the huge trees. thats why, its a blessing to me. i never thought i need more sky rather than the trees itself.

i know there are reason why all these things happen. it seems Allah tell me, "okay vian, enough. this is not your journey. someone had pray looking for you desperately. so you need to loss from that guy" me husnuzon, maybe there's someone are praying for me and now i need to relocate my location. or maybe Allah want to tell me, "okay vian, I'll answer your duas". and this is the best husnuzon for me. husnuzon means you are think positively what life gives you. and as a muslim, I believe this is Allah plans for me. He knows everything while im not.

so, end of this, today i admit i still miss that guy. still think of him because its not easy forgetting the almost 2 years relationship within a month. huh, just 2 years? yup, but still it has tremendous effect for those like me who already set in mind, that he and I gonna have future in ahead. so, i pray for those who read my blog (the luckiest i guess), may you find husband/wife who not only bring joyful to you but to your family and friends as well. i pray you found someone who bring you peaceful in your life everytime you see him/her. i pray you found someone who makes you crying suddenly because you feel happy with him/her. and please pray for me too. 

we might feel the same feeling but our journey was different. so do not stop asking from Allah. maybe its not stated in the Luh Mahfuz but maybe on some pages Allah as written, "as you pray and wish".

Stay safe iman. be safe heart. be happy, vian.

Wed, May 26, 2021