Before bed

Hi. It's me, Vian.

It's been a while kan I'm not here. Last entry was on 2021 - year of I lost someone who I dearest the most. And guess what, I do missing him sometimes. It happened when something triggered of our memories together. But don't worry, I already drag my feet from the past and can accept that he is a married man now. He finally in his new life chapter.

And me? 

Of course I'm in my new life phase now. Though my status are still not married yet, but this phase life are new for me. 

A life phase when I do accepting whatever happen in my life, unquestionable.

Accepting the fate that I'm still here, sitting on the chair in the same room as picture in the entry 02022020, doing blogging while listening to some calmest song - accepting I'm still alive here - accepting someone who want to come to my life and accepting if they want to go. I don't have much energy to start over the feeling nor to stop someone from leaving. I'm in my "if you want to stay, then stay. If you want to leave, then leave" era.

But, is it acceptance is same a giving up? Accept all the things that happen to you and even mostly give less react on it. Or I'm just giving up? Or I'm just tired?

Maybe its true, I'm tired. Now I'm tired. Its 11:11 pm now and I'm not sure what I'm trying to writing now. Maybe I'm just tired and my nostalgic feeling hits me tonight, so that's why I'm here.

Erm, I think sampai sini saja dulu I'm writing. But I janji, I will come here again for sure. Until then, wait for me ya.

Adios.

Terima kasih untuk Tuhan

Hi Tuhan,

Aku mulakan dengan ucapan terima kasih ya.

terima kasih atas apa yang telah berlaku.

terima kasih beri aku rasa ini.

terima kasih juga sebab sudah jawab doa-doa ku.

Lama kelamaan aku baru sedar,

ujian yang aku dapat ialah sebenarnya yang aku doa itu

ibarat aku minta balang untuk simpan tebu, 

tapi Kau ambil tebu itu 

dan selepas beberapa bulan lamanya

hambaMu ini baru sedar, rupanya Engkau gantikan gula

Maaf, aku yang terlalu lembab untuk menyedarinya

Ya Allah,

aku sudah cukup keterlaluan kan?

tidak bersyukur, mengabaikanMu, malah memperingankan suruhanMu

benda yang aku doa berkali-kali aku tidak usahakan

doa itu cuma dibibir tapi dihati tidak

aku sedar tapi aku tutup mata

aku sedar tapi aku buat endah

aku betul-betul keterlaluan kan Tuhan?

Peristiwa Ramadhan tahun itu cukup menempelak

balang yang aku jaga, pecah

balang yang aku fikir selamanya didapur, berkecai

berkecai dalam sehari

tiada kata, tiada amaran, tiada tanda

sekelip mata

Aku tidak akan lupa keadaan aku datang kepadaMu

dengan tanganku menggeletar, dengan mataku membengkak, dengan jiwaku yang berantakan

kau sambut aku Tuhan

kau sambut aku biarkan aku yang menjauh

kau sambut aku dalam keadaan aku berdarah tidak kelihatan

Kau buat aku berzikir

Kau bantu aku buat benda yang aku jarang sekali buat 

Quran di pagi dan malam, kudrat bangun sepertiga malam, ringan tulang ganti solat

Kau ajarkan aku doa

Kau nampakkan aku kata-kata yang berbekas dijiwa

Kau jumpakan aku pembaca Quran yang sedap kedengaran

Kau buatkan aku berniat di Awal Muharram

Kau berikan aku benda yang aku hilang selama ini; tenang

Oh Tuhan,

sukar untuk aku luahkan sini betapa syukurnya aku

syukurnya aku kerana Engkau ada

iya syukurnya aku kerana Engkau ada

Tuhan, aku adalagi doa ya Tuhan

aku tunggu hingga Kau perkenankan

sekiranya tidak, itu ialah pilihan Engkau

dan pilihan Engkau adalah terbaik untuk hambaMu

sebab Engkau Maha Tahu

terima kasih sangat-sangat lemon lemon juta kali

aku mampu mengharungi ini kerana Engkau

Engkau yang memberi rasa, dan Engkau juga mampu menariknya kembali

sepertimana Engkau beri dan ambil jasad dibumi ini

terima kasih

atas mimpi yang kelmarin-kelmarin

itu bukti aku tidak layak untuk dia, dan dia tidak layak untuk aku

terima kasih doa yang Engkau ajarkan.

terima kasih untuk semua

terima kasih untuk jasad ini

akan aku jaga untuk cerita seterusnya

tapi, jaga aku ya, Ya Allah

iman ku masi sekukuh ranting

Kau tengok-tengok imanku ya

kau tengok-tengok kan imanku

lagi, aku ucap terima kasih

terima kasih Allah

terima kasih.

31 Ogos 2021 9:03 pm

dibilik yang sejuk lagi tenang 

To those who tired

 

Hi readers.

Hi future me.

as actually you are the only reader in here.

Let me tell you what you feel today. Its 26th of May 2021 and its holiday. im writing this entry while being comfort by the lil-windy from the stand fan and infront of me the almost-die-trees and seeing the birds spread their love to each other. im jealous. 

you see, it has been a month since im having my heartbroken life. i dont know how to start it but i'd lost someone which i thought that we might have future together (take a deep breathe). being in relationship at this age of 30s, we tend more to protect & secure it, but never thought we are still childish in making decision. 

Heartbroken is real. after so many years i felt it again. but this time, i tell myself, you'd pass this before, then you can pass this too. the difference only was lie on your mental strength and feeling-control ability. 

(take a deep breathe again) you see, i'm tired.

i'm tired of this relationship. its not easy to gather back the strength, the trust, the caring, the love. i'm tired. and i'm afraid. its like you take you things back and walking with the body full of hurt. your hand, your leg, all seems weak but still you need to pickup and clean everything. crying became your friend. 

i blocked him in every media. its not because i hate him but i want to rescue myself from being stalker. seeing him online was make me happy but sometimes makes me wonder with a lot of thinking. "to who he chatting?", "does he happy now?", "are he with a girl?". im become paranoid. thats why, i blocked him to rescue and stop from hurting myself. you should do that girl. sometimes run does not show that you are coward. sometimes it show you are too brave enough to move on. that was the first step. you see the exit door, you open it and close it without looking back.

after all this time, i become more sensitive to small things. rather than feeling grief, im become more appreciate every little-tiny-mini things that i get and i saw. even the trees outside, the almost die tree after being cut down, i feel its like a blessing. at first, i feel so sad look at the trees dying. it was my routine to watch it every morning. seeing it gently slowly move by the wind, the sound of wind cracking the tiles of leaves, makes me feels calm everytime i saw it. but why i said cutting it down is a blessing? because after the trees being down, i saw the big-blue-sky and the weirdo-style-cotton cloud up there. im so mesmerize. they being hidden by the huge trees. thats why, its a blessing to me. i never thought i need more sky rather than the trees itself.

i know there are reason why all these things happen. it seems Allah tell me, "okay vian, enough. this is not your journey. someone had pray looking for you desperately. so you need to loss from that guy" me husnuzon, maybe there's someone are praying for me and now i need to relocate my location. or maybe Allah want to tell me, "okay vian, I'll answer your duas". and this is the best husnuzon for me. husnuzon means you are think positively what life gives you. and as a muslim, I believe this is Allah plans for me. He knows everything while im not.

so, end of this, today i admit i still miss that guy. still think of him because its not easy forgetting the almost 2 years relationship within a month. huh, just 2 years? yup, but still it has tremendous effect for those like me who already set in mind, that he and I gonna have future in ahead. so, i pray for those who read my blog (the luckiest i guess), may you find husband/wife who not only bring joyful to you but to your family and friends as well. i pray you found someone who bring you peaceful in your life everytime you see him/her. i pray you found someone who makes you crying suddenly because you feel happy with him/her. and please pray for me too. 

we might feel the same feeling but our journey was different. so do not stop asking from Allah. maybe its not stated in the Luh Mahfuz but maybe on some pages Allah as written, "as you pray and wish".

Stay safe iman. be safe heart. be happy, vian.

Wed, May 26, 2021

Lil-dream

Hi readers.

Its 7.53pm.

Actually, I really not in mood to write something at this time, but just while i read someone's blog, then, yeah here i am to have one entry :)

What i want to share today is something i never told anyone. its my dream actually but i still not put much effort on it. zero effort. actually i want to be a business woman. i want to have my own product. i want to jual tudung :) but, business is not my field of study and i'm lacking of skills and experience on it.

out of nowhere, i go to google today, search on how to open own business and read some advices, and most of them tell it has to start from do the dropship. this kind of hard thing for me because i don't know how to do marketing task. how i want to market my product, when i even don't know how to expose myself to public like in facebook, instagram or what-so-ever called social media. ermm (sigh)

for me, marketing is like the new world for someone those who likes to work behind the curtain. i'm not a talkative person. i'm only talk much with someone i knew. for strangers, i rather listen to them than questioning. oh no, so what should i do?

maybe there's a dream which is just a dream, right?

maybe.

still no courage to do it.

ermm.

okay then, that's all. a lil-entry to tell my lil-dream.
see you all on next entry.
bye.

02022020

Its 2020

And again its been a year im missing from here. my blog full of dust. so im trying to clean it up a little today.

02022020
What a beautiful date, right? but do you have beautiful day?

Just short-handed entry, what did you feel today?

-I'm blogging in my room, sitting on chair, do short entry while watching the big tree outside
-The weather is so hot outside, but yet i feel it calm and tender. 
-My playlist now, 1000 Tahun Lamanya by Tulus. what a great song to create love feeling :)

Okay, I will be back soon.
Im learning embroidery today. I will post it to next entry if its pretty. peace.

okay bye.

xoxo
Veeee

haha.

Keep Faith

Hi readers,

Today, I start posting with the smirk face after I saw I just have 1 entry for this year so far. haha. It has been quiet a long time I'm not here.

I'm busy with my stress life. I'm busy how to handle my messy and no-guide life. I'm busy looking at others life. I'm busy throwing my life into others life. and I'm busy with this life.

I'm busy and I'm tired.

Now, there's nobody here. They were here actually, but still there's no nobody. 

This year, perhaps, taught me a lot. alot. I become someone I don't want to be. I become someone who show a lot of self-weakness. oh self, you disappointed yourself.

Rest of the story, let it being keep at the other of my world

What makes me feel g-r-e-a-t about this year, I got my driving license. I know maybe some of you said, what the hell she try to expose about, everyone surely have one. but it's definitely special to me those who fail the test for four times. f-o-u-r times. empat kali.

Yes, I failed the test for four times. I cried every week because I took the test every weekend in a month. four times in a month. I cried a lot thinking I'm stupid enough being nervous like hell. I cried thinking how miserable my life fail for simple test. (sigh)

The feeling of failure is something like new to me and I can't accept it except crying over it. 

bodoh vian. bebal betul. I kept saying this to myself.

I think I know the feeling of almost give up on everything. you become weak. to make it in a simple word, you become lembik. hati pun lembik. that time you just feel like you just want lying on the bed and sleep. stop thinking about the bad day. sangat lembik. hancur. luluh. pedih. sandik punya perasaan. the tears drop fast like I just get divorce. omaigeee everything bad was happen to me and most of all I'm afraid of fail again. So I gave up. 

I gave up and contact my cikgu on how to make what we call as Lesen Terbang and I will take risk of that. After a while, after having deep conversation on how to do that such illegal thing, Allah make me meet with three lovely girls which I thought they just a-seconds friend of mine. They were strangers but I saw determination on them although dorang lulus awal than me. ngeee. 

The first person, she was failed for six times and saying to me, "If I can do it, then why you can't?

Second girl, She was a lovely girl which had tudung labuh than me. she is a soft spoken person and so manis. she said to me, "InsyaAllah, ada hikmah, ada sebab. selawat." and I do the selawat in every second during my test.

Finally, third girl, she is a chinese girl who had a tattoo but she was definitely a nice girl to meet. both of us was finally passed after both of us try for four times. haha. she inspires me to go outside and travel as much as I can as she sharing with me her experience travel half of the Eu-country and the middle east too and one of it was Istanbul. I really want to put my foot over there. its okay, one-fine-day.

Its good to see whenever you can't even motivate yourself, He give your strangers so that you can watch and learn and feel what their feeling too. I cried so many times and even questioned Him; why me? but He never let my guard down. He makes me meet unknown people to make me understand everyone has their own test. so just face your own. You will not stick with one problem for the rest of your life as long as you have courage to face it.

Syukran. There's no more words to explain my gratitude to Him.
Aku malu, aku persoalkan ujian Dia.

I feel so ashamed and I even not dare asking for something instead of forgiveness.

Overall, everything happens to me, I know He makes me to create memories which I have to learn from it and use it in ahead as a lesson. Keep faith and that was I suppose to do.

Keep faith on Him and surely He will open a new door for you.
Believe that.

Another short laying

Again, another long time not putting myself here. I was trapped by the work task swamp and I really need a very long alone-day. This time, another 5 minutes left for break and just a short entry for short time break.

Gonna meet again for long writing :)

Short laying

Hi there.

Wow, its been a long time I'm not stay here and now the end of 2016 almost reach the time. So, what I have achieve for this year? Perhaps some encouragement to do something which I never knew I would do it. Maybe I will write about it next time.

So, goona see you sooner bloggerslovely :)

Whisper My Name

Aint it strange
How life can be sometimes
How we all need to love
Aint it strange
How I could see is a threat
When you could be above

Some girls want to go out shopping
Some girls want to talk all night
Some girls want some fun and laughter
That's quite ok but im no typical girl

Now I can't tell you how to love me
It's the lesson you have to learn yourself
As the matter of fact it's an easy thing to do
Just be you

Now I wont show you how to treat me
But you wont find it hard to do the same

Just with warm and tender
And whisper my name...

Late at night when the day has come and done
And we lying a lot
That's the time it let our feelings sour
And no talk, conversation anymore

At this time would you just with warm and tender and whisper my name, September?

Trust

I like someone to tell me about all things that makes their life sorrow.
Their story give me a lot of lessons as well.

Having a story-telling and crying together while listening to their heart,
show me that I'm not the only one having a load burden alone.

But the most important thing here when they tell me about of these sort of thing is..

Its not the because of the name of friendship
but its the matter of trust.

Thanks for trust me, friend
Thanks for sharing your painful with me.
Maybe I can't do anything, but accompany you is the best thing I can do.
I have my shoulder for you to cry.
and I have hand to hold yours.
Just call my name and I'll be there for you.

Written at the dark room

Hi readers.

Yeah, I know I'm lost for a long time. I'm running away to seek for the light I've never seen. If you see me right now, I might change a little bit of myself. I don't like myself before who is struggling for nothing. just wish from the deep of heart without taking any action to make it realize.

I'm different. totally different though there is some of my weaknesses I can't move away.

I'm turning to 25 sooner and yet I'm still at the first page of my life. maybe I'm on second page since I'm a working person now but the past still follow my journey.

Love.

4 letters which haunted me well in my life progress to became an adult. Yeah, I'm a little bit scared because of my friends are now become queen in someone king's heart. to see hows they so much happy to get married early, seems nothing would happen in future. Is it married can guarantee us that love will always be there when we need it the most? or it just need to prevent us from doing bad to our partner. this is not what I want.

I'm not too much desperate to get some kind of lovey-dovey things but the love I want should derived from both side's heart. Responsibility should be at the first stage. I don't know how to explain in words or in writing, but if I want to get married soon, none of my family's money be used for my wedding ceremony. NO. I'm not allowed. maybe that's why certain man I meet said I'm too much independent. I'm too much putting my self on something I'm  not capable to do so.

No. you not put your feet on my shoes so, you will never know.

One day, if the person come, I will tell him, I met a lot of people before you. they taught me how to love and be loved. they taught me how to loath and feeling missing and they taught me everything colors of feelings before I met you.

Its funny to think that now, I imagine how will you looks alike. I better off now. gonna see you in DreamLand dear. :)



 

Mon Day

It's Monday but I'm playing around and pretend it's Sunday.

(Yeah)

Rain Story

I love rain so much. I don't know why but each time when raining comes, it really soothe me. I love to let the raindrop fall into my hands. It seems like, peace. Yeah, peaceful. I love to be alone wherever its rainy day. Maybe because I'm getting too emotional or its like kinda weird-girl to do.

There's so much beauty in rain.

Yeah, there's a lot and you can't count. It just need to be feel.

Patrichor. Perhaps, do you know about it? It is the smells of the rain. My friends said its actually the smells of the first rain fall into the earth. Maybe it was  but the smells really change you into something. It makes you more grateful. Don't you? As the rain wash the dry land and then sink into the soil, woww, its really refreshing.

I don't know how to describe more about rain because its something that cannot be tell but need to be experience by your own self.

Actually, I'm getting my fasting for today so I'm got alone at office while all my friends out for having their lunch. That's why I can lay down my hand here smoothly.(smile). I really hope rain will come this week because Sabah right now it seems like a desert place and open burning happened everywhere. I try to avoid myself from smokers but unfortunately I smell the terrible smoke around Kota Kinabalu. Seriously, I can't breathe and this is bad.

But, this is life, right? We have to use to it no matter what happen because the earth getting old and old and me as well.

Sigh.

Okay, its time for me to leave. We will have another story sooner and please pray for rain to come.
Please.

Feeling

I did this for several times wherever I feel so down. Its surely help me under calm. But this few days, I feel so lousy as I can't do it again. Maybe the feeling was not there. Maybe I still feel the stress thinking about my life in future. But I really want to do this. Put my hand on the sky and looking at the light of the sun. I really miss that. really.

Friday's Pray

Dear Rabb,

Please take care of dia for me.
I just can pray for dia safety.
Ease everything for what dia do.
and please always put dia in safe.

I'm begging you ya Rabb.
dia is my world.
dia is one of my soul.
dia is my only one.
and dia is my mom.

Auditory Hallucination - Jang Jae In

There are so many hidden things inside of me
It made me change so much
It put me to sleep, it tied my hands and feet
It trapped me in a dark room
The pieces of lost time
The memories of love that I threw away
They have been deleted and thrown away
Only the outer shells remain
Without knowing anything, I just shouted
I just have that memory
My heart that was cold as ice
It will be forgotten after I sleep
I want to escape from this pain that chains me down
Someone wake me up
From my soul that is filled with scars

The deeply colored night sky
Is filled with you, who won’t leave
It wakes me from my sleep
Kissing me again

Your voice that whispered I love you
Your scent, I hear it in my ears every day
Where are you?

You’re hidden in a place where I can’t see you
The pain you received for me
When my anger becomes one
I’ll chase the lost memories from the deep sleep
I want to find the real me that is not you
But the bruises in my heart are too big
I try hiding it but they hide in my heart and wake me up
I met you on the other side of my horrible memories
You embraced even my lost feelings
Helping me get up from being broken
I’m trying not to let go of your hands
I’m trying to erase the nightmares
I’m trying so hard
In this place where I trapped myself

I want to roll up the darkness
And find you
Though I can’t touch you
Or be held by you

What controls me
Isn’t what lives in me
What can heal me isn’t strong medicine
It’s just love
The voice I hear in my ears
Wakes me up from being lost
After it wraps around me and kisses me
It disappears and I can’t see it anymore

The deeply colored night sky
Is filled with you, who won’t leave
It wakes me from my sleep
Kissing me again

Your voice that whispered I love you
Your scent, I hear it in my ears every day
Where are you?

In the night sky that I can’t touch
I see you turning back
Making me escape from the exhausted days
Making it into a picture

I’m sorry, I say as I hold onto you
Don’t go far away, I call out to you
In the sadness that I can’t ever see again
Tears fall again

p.s I really love this story. I really fall in love with that man. oh
dear.  my heart start beating fast whenever I hear that song. oppaa.
This is crazy. Vian is going to crazy.

Wednedsay's Wishful

 

 

At this moment I really wish;

- I'm in my home alone
- Its raining outside
- Sit while watching the view of world through the vintage window
- Listen to Ed Sheraan song, Thinking out loud
- Dressing well like a Cinderella
- Drink a cup of hot chocolate
- Play with my Nikon




Oh dear, I really wish for that now. But here I am in office do the non stop tasks and getting my menstrual cramp. sigh.

Inspiration

I'm waiting for some inspiration to sink in my soul before updating my blog but unfortunately, it seems wouldn't come.

And I just want to wish, Happy Monday people.

29 December

Salam readers,

Woww, it's a quite a long time for my hands not lying to write any new entry in this super lovely-duvey blog. You see, I've got a job now and surely actually I do not know exactly what my position are and what are the specific works that I need to do. Its looks like my works are general.

But, I love this job because I learn sooo much. seriously.

I met all people. We went to Tawau before, then Lahad Datu and now here I am in Best Western Hotel, Sandakan. The job is quite tough and really tiring but there is something that uneasily to be explained, something that encourage me to stay even I know there are limitation for me since my boss is a non muslim. He is a Chinese man but I don't know why, from his experiences that he had told me about it, it makes me feel different. I'm starting to say to myself, "Yup Vian, you gonna make your life so sweeeet". 

He asked me to read old books, "Who Moved My Cheese" and "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". I'm gonna read it tonight after I finished this entry. Tomorrow morning, we back to Kota Kinabalu, and my life still have a journey to be conquered. A nervous journey perhaps.

I've changed my blog's song too. The Heaven Way by Yiruma. Is it lovely?

I've nothing much words to say, but I'm really happy right now. Hope this job could bring me far away from the conservative environment and I'm gonna prove to them that I can be 1% people instead of being 99% people those having a narrow minds.

Being work in private sector does not mean you're stupid enough as a degree holder and didn't get any job in government sector. I'll prove, though I'm working hardly I'm still able to give my mom a key.

A Key of House. A Key of Car.

I'm not materialistic anyway but I just want to ensure all the needs are being fulfilled and there's no term of 'not enough money'. I will change my family's life. I will, someday.

And one more thing, my boss asked me to take MBA after 3 years work with him. Woww, I'm gonna take it someday. Fhaviana getting take Master in Business Administration.
InsyaAllah. Just  pray for me okay.

The time is getting old now and its time to read books. Before that, here's the note to the Greatest, My Allah.


__________________________


Dear My Allah,

I know this is the fate that You had state for me
What I need now is just need to face them all
I need to be brave, patient, and give full commitment and of course be grateful

There is a reason behind everything happen, right my Rabb?
I know there was but I don't know what it is

Your story for me are really surprising
I'm sorry if sometimes I'm questioning, "why"
Because I'm weak ya Allah
I'm useless

Ya Rabb,
I'm really hope this journey not just make me close to You
but my family at the same time
I love them so much
They're the only that I have in this Dunya
and I really hope You may care of them for me
please..

I'm sorry ya Rabb,
I'm sorry.
Please apologize me for every sins that I've done.
I'm sorry

Amin.

An evening at home

Love. Husband. Married.

Just after I finished my study, this freaking stuffs haunted me very well. My aunt and even my neighbours keep questioning when the day will come.

Do I look like someone who is getting married just after I took a degree?

I'm struggling for 4 years and a half I guess to finish my diploma and degree and sooner be a woman called 'surirumah'?

This is ridiculous.

Yup,
I admit I need someone instead of my family.
But, I think the time is still not be there for me.
There still have a lot of journey waiting to be explore.
So much dreams still not be realize.

Now,
I really wish I could find something that I will remember till die.
Something makes me close to the beautiful nature.

Trees. blue sky. daisies. softly wind. chirping bird.

Oh dear,
How I wish that awesome view and feeling.
I wish I can find that lost beautiful forest.
It will happen someday.
:)