Confuse

Hi readers,

I'm currently struggling with patient and contentment. I tend to want everything NOW and I want everything happen exactly as what I've planned.

But I know this is not an easy thing like I thought.

Oh life,
How I want to change the conservative's mind especially the old folks thought?

This is terrible.

Sharing Dreams

Hello readers,

I'm not getting too much emotional today but I'm going to take challenge. challenge? yup. actually I'm following one of blogger and she is my favourite blogger. I took the challenge from her blog. why I love to stalk her blog? because she has dreams same as me and I really love how's she story to all. its like I can feel it.

And now the challenge is sound, something you never get tired of doing.

I never get tired to find motivational quotes and retro pictures. I always steal some lovely and vintage feel-like pictures and save it all in my folders named, Dreamy. I put it all include the quotes. I ever make a scarp book for that quotes and printed some pictures that could make me really fall into a Dreamland. Everytime I got bored, that books really put me feel calm. oh, by the way, that scrap book I called it The Second Life.

Here some of the pictures and together with some quotes that really inspiring me in life and I'll tell a little bit how that saying can put color on me.

Everything in your life are reflection for the choice you have made
If you want a different result
then make a different choice

The most thing I can be proud of to myself is the choice I ever made to study across Laut China Selatan. Yup, I'm flying alone from Sabah to Shah Alam to study. I don't know how I'm become so brave to leave my family, my bestfriends, my lovely hometown and go getting some adventures.

Perhaps, it is because of a bitter-sweet monkey love? No.

I just want a different result.

If you're brave to say "Goodbye", life will reward you with a new "Hello"

It's inspiring me to leave something that I can't hold forever though I love that thing so much. 

Mans always change and so do the thing.

Don't be afraid to change, try new things and take risks
If you never spread your wings, you won't know how high you can fly.

An awe-inspiring quotes that burn my courageous to live lone, eat alone, sleep alone and all in alone.

This happened during my internship and I really took crazy-awesome risks.

Challenges are what makes life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful

Challenges are friends. You never be mature if you never found difficulties in life,

I do believe on that.

Loathe

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person struggle hardly to achieve something better in future. something that can be proud of. something that used to show others that I'm capable to do something.

something. something. something. somewhere.

Yup, I'm heading for Terrified Future. no, I should say Amazing Future. Now, that might sound exciting but, deep in the heart, I'm so scared. really. How would it be? there's so many questions swinging in my head. all are playing and laughing at me who has not start anything yet.

The days crawl so fast.

19, 20, 21, 22, 23.. am I still able to do something?

I should be brave. I should dare to leave. I should able to live alone. I'd done it once and I can make it again. Let the tears be friend, let the praying accompany the night and wash the souls, let the silent night be the peaceful place for me to stay calm. let it be. let it all.

I don't know why I'm still linger around here. perhaps, it is because my family?

Oh dear,
I'm weak. I'm hopeless. I'm lousy.

Am I completely useless? why when we need to hold the sky, we need to let other hands down? why? why?

I loathe you. I loathe you Self.

Ridiculous

Heart flutter?

This is ridiculous. 

Dearly

Dear future,

I'm scared.

It's horrible to think how would be my life in ahead

Ya Rabb,

I'm sorry.

really .

Crazy heart

Dear heart,

Why suddenly you remember about him?
Did he do something could break your heart again?
Why heart? Why?

Its been a year he left you behind
There's so many memories you have without him near side
He ever become your nightmare
But now you able to control yourself and even you able to control your dream at the night too when he haunted you

But why today you really miss him?
Read that words of farewell again and again and again
Words saying goodbye and really broken the heart
Why heart? Why you read that?

Stupid me.
Yup he still have a place in my heart
Even in a tiny place but could influence all parts of my body
This is terrible
Seriously.

People said time heals everything
I think one year is still not enough
I'm still waiting

I think I'm going crazy

Useless

Useless.
Yup, that is the word for today.
Who is useless?
Me.
That's right.

How useless I am when I still can't stand by my own self.
Useless thinking me who still cannot afford to leave alone
And I'm terribly useless thinking about myself who still not able contribute something in my life.

Oh dear..

Dear self,
Listen.
Please..
Do not forget that they are getting old
Do not forget you born not to live alone
And do not forget you need to realize other dreams rather than yours

Your dreams caring other needs right?
Then fulfill them all.

Wake up Vian.
Wake up.
Forgot all about looking for love
That's not your business
Thats Allah's plan
Just wait for it

By the way, I'm even not looking for it

Now,
Your mission is
Make them feel there's something in this life can be appreciate
Something they never regret.

Love them when they still exist
Love them even they gone
And love them till Jannah

They are one.
My family.
Thats right
NananGina's family.

Tired

I'm tired to chase on what the world wants.
It makes me abnormal.

Road not Taken

Salam readers

Its rainy outside and here i am write down something my blog in such a cold and empty room. Its been a long time i thought i'm not write anything with full of my heart in this such pretty shy blog. I'm quite busy right now. I have a lot of tasks and meeting and i'm really really desperate in looking for job. my life to become a worker seems to be start soon.

Furthermore, i lost my inspirational blogger. since the blogger got married, she make her blog privately. I really loves how she spread her dreams and life in his lovely diary. pictures that she took, paint that she had sketched, lovely plain english that she used, all of these make me feel so calm everytime i read it in the middle of night. everything seems to be still. but now, she just lost all of sudden. the last entry that i've read when she told that she already become wife for another man.

Now, i'm try to find the other bloggers who have same dreams with me. Unfortunately, it seems hard to find out.

I want to tell something too. maybe after all this entry, I might lost for a some of moment. I don't know but each time i try to lay down my hand on this lappy to write down on something, my moody goes away. I think, i think too much about how to live in this such scarier world ahead and it make my little brain stuck and my tiny heart unable to feel the sense of love, i guess.

Recently, everything seems to be chaos. even i don't know whether i have to back home for hari raya sooner or not. You see, until now, i'm not buy any ticket for me to fly to Sabah after all this semester because i just want to find job, job and job.

I'm upset will my self. really.

I really need some motivational, the inspiration but everyone seems make me so blurring and surely it makes me unable to stay in one way.

What do you think? which road i have to take? the happiness celebrating raya with family or happiness give them money?

I'm not materialistic anyway. but if i go home, i might miss the opportunity to work outside the cowboy town. i might stay there for a long time.

Let me tell you one secret. the truth is, after all this kind of miserable, actually i'm afraid to live independently. i'm afraid i can't afford to live alone and cry like a loner in empty house. can you feel it?

i'm losing my hope. i don't know what i suppose to do. really.

Everytime and everyday, i keep praying for Allah to make me strong to live in this alien place alone. i have family here but it does not change everything. i don't want to bother them and pretend that my life is okay but actually it was not.

I know He will ease everything for me like He ease everything when i've my practical training in other alien place and live alone in small house and unable to sleep tightly every night just because i'm afraid of thief that might come and no one will realize it. after all, i finish my intern safely without bother others except i'm requested my mom for some of money. i hope this will not happen again to me. let my family happy because i'm safe here. let me indemnify for everything that i've own from them - my family.

Please pray for me too. I have a lot of dreams that i've to reached before i'm 25. It have 2 years to go.

Hope, this decision will lead me to find my way, reach my point and make my family happy.

Because, everything i do, i do it for them.

Adios readers, we will me again sooner with different kind of life of story.

Hope it it kind of lovely and happy story.

Au Revoir
26 May 2014
Monday

Missing

There is a time when we are alone in tranquil room

While we listening to our favorite songs in such wonderful and windy evening

From out of nowhere

a strange feeling comes without sound like the wind blows the air

The feeling keeps remind us about the past

The face. the smile. the memories

We smile and it turn us to open way to Dream Land

For some period of time, after lost in the mist of dream

After gone through so many memories

Suddenly we realized, this is not what we wanted to

This is not what the heart wants

Then the tears wet the soft pillow

And let the blanket cover the body and weep alone

Cry because we can't do anything

Cry because we keep the feeling for a long moment

Cry because we feel missing on something

Cry because we miss someone

Miss on him

on him.

People said when we miss on someone all of sudden, 

it actually shows that the person miss us too. 

It is true?

Sometimes I wish

I'm still in the mind

Oh poor me

I thought I could end up the story

but actually I can't

He still in the story

Though his chapter was ended

but the story still go on

A story without him inside

My body keep push to walk

but the heart still look at the back

Hoping this is not the ending